Friday, August 15, 2008

Future Shock

A little bit of fun for Friday.

Future headlines.

McCain says "Social Security is good enough for me"

After winning the Presidential election, John McCain decides to retire and live of his government check instead of serving in office. "If I could lift my hands above my shoulders, I'd give Social Security two thumbs way up!"

John Edwards opens marriage counseling centers

The former presidential candidate stated that "marriage is the bedrock of society" and "monogamy makes me smile". "I plan to use myself as the best example of a husband in today's society". Elizabeth Edwards had no comment

Dick Cheney is named as the new host of the NBC Today show.

The head of NBC programming made the announcement this morning and added, "I can't think of anyone that America would rather wake up to". Cheney was unavailable for comment. His spokesperson said that he was being measured for a new mask.

Barack Obama wins $700 million in the largest Powerball jackpot ever.

When asked what he was going to do first, the Senator replied, "I"m going to Disneyland! and I'm gonna buy it", he also added, "I always thought that Geraldine Ferraro was just blowing smoke when she talked about how lucky I am, but clearly she was right." His wife said,"I guess this makes us regular folks now, just like the McCains."

Cindy McCain wins the Ms. Buffalo Chip pageant.

In an unexpected move, Cindy McCain entered the annual pageant in South Dakota. She blew away the competition with a topless 360 degree spin that ended in the splits while singing the star spangled banner. "I just didn't want to make a liar out of John", she said. "He said that I could win this thing and I just wanted to show the world that he's a man of his word".

George Bush wins the Nobel and Pulitzer prizes in the same year.

The former President pulled off the unprecedented feat for his work in Physics and his comprehensive biography of of his dog Spot. He was unable to pick up either prize in person because he was on vacation, but he did send a telegram. The note read in part, "sorry I can't be there but it's great to win stuff". As most remember, in his last act as President, he replaced the entire selection committees of both organizations with Karl Rove.

Nancy Pelosi attacked at a homeless shelter.

Things got ugly on Thanksgiving as House Leader Nancy Pelosi was attacked as she served meals to the homeless. According to eyewitnesses, the trouble started when the shelter ran out of Turkey. "People kept on coming up, but all she could say was that Turkey was off the table." She was not injured, but a lot of hungry people went without their traditional meal. "Just like a typical politician", one man was overheard saying, "they'll say anything to get you to show up, but then they don't deliver."

Hillary and Bill Clinton are moving back into the White House.

The Clintons are changing addresses again. Bill was very happy to moving back to a place that held such fond memories for him. "I can't wait to get back into the oval office and kick back with a couple of cigars" President Clinton told a packed room of reporters. Hillary was quick to add that she wanted to undo all the damage that Republicans had done since she left. When reached for comment a White House spokesman said that he was unaware of their plans. When asked about the fact that the President usually doesn't share the White House with another family, The Clintons responded that the White House belonged to everyone, but that since they had been there for 8 years already, they had acquired squatters rights.

Have a good weekend everybody!

1 comment:

Stormwarning said...

And here I thought that you were making serious predictions. Ooops!

Ok. No problem.